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Doll!Torture Fic & Photos

In philips' most recent journal entry, Wanna see Spike's chips?, I made a comment that was apparently so disturbing that it moved her to write a ficlet about my poor (according to her, anyway) Spike and Angel dolls. It made me laugh until I cried and scared the cats, and there's just no way I'm going to let it languish as an unread footnote. Please enjoy the gift to the world that is her sense of the funny.
Title: A Doll Tragedy
Author: philips
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Spike & Angel (Mere implied)
Warnings: Sad, sad little dolls.
A/N: I hope you're happy. Your disturbing brutality is all I could think about at work.


Spike sighed with relief as the sound of footsteps faded away. Blasted photo shoots. He cautiously rotated his left shoulder and winced. Painful, but nothing a good night’s sleep wouldn’t fix. He shuddered as he remembered the look of manic glee on that woman’s face as she tore his shirt off. Giving his bulge a loving pat, he once again gave thanks that his pants were painted on. At least he had been spared that final indignity. Luckily, tonight’s props had included whiskey. It had helped to deaden the pain of being handled so roughly.


Not enough whiskey to deaden this pain though. He peered into the darkness where he knew Angel was hiding.

“She’s done for the night. Get some kip, mate.”

“Aren’t you coming over here?”

For a second, he debated staying put and just ignoring him. Silently cursing his promise to Buffy, Spike crawled over and slumped down on the plastic sofa with a sigh. Shame that his accessories didn't include smokes.

Angel huddled next to him miserably.

“What did she make you do tonight? Were there…hobbits?”

Spike frowned as he noticed Angel’s uncontrollable shivering. Poor sod. The Scourge of Europe could handle a stay in hell but when faced with indentured modeling he had cracked completely.

“Never mind.” Spike held out his flask. “Take a sip of whiskey.”

“If you haven’t noticed, I can’t take anything. She kept both of my arms this time.”

Spike took a deep calming breath as he brought the flask to Angel’s lips. Buffy would want him to be patient.

“Oi! I said a sip! Bloody hell, ya just ‘bout drained it!” Oh, Buffy could just stuff it.

“Spike, this has got to end. She’s getting worse. She has me eating pizza. Everyone knows I don’t eat carbs.” Spike gritted his teeth as Angel’s voice took on a note of hysteria. “They make me bloat!”

Spike snickered softly. It was true.

“And have you seen Buffy lately? Spike, her Slayer strength is gone. The last time she looked that pale and weak was when I….” Angel swallowed and turned his head away.

Don’t encourage him. Don’t encourage him. Don’t encourage him.

“When ya what?” Christ. Damn this soul of his! It really had made him soft.

“When I drank from her.” Spike rolled his eyes. Wanker. “Spike, let’s face it! This whole thing is my penance. I deserve to have my strong arms taken away. That and worse.”

As Angel started to sadly sing "Even Now" (as he did every evening) Spike made a vow.

Tomorrow he’d find some way to get his own drawer.


My only possible response was one that I hope would do Angelus proud. I love the story (and its author) thiiiiiis much:

For doll!torture fic homage slideshow, "Diary of a Doll Torturer," click here. If I could have set it to Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World," I would have.


( 40 dropped by — come on in )
May. 23rd, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC)
You people are deeply disturbing.
May. 23rd, 2008 11:52 pm (UTC)
*bows deeply/disturbingly*
May. 23rd, 2008 11:39 pm (UTC)
“Spike, let’s face it! This whole thing is my penance. I deserve to have my strong arms taken away. That and worse.”

As Angel started to sadly sing "Even Now" (as he did every evening) Spike made a vow.

Tomorrow he’d find some way to get his own drawer.

Bwah! He's right and he must have his own drawer - so he can "Rest in Peace"!

May. 23rd, 2008 11:55 pm (UTC)
YES! \0/

I swear, I've read it at least four times now, and I laugh harder every time. *snicker* I find it inexpressibly touching.
(Deleted comment)
May. 24th, 2008 01:19 am (UTC)
*pets you* Sometimes, the funny hurts. Once I moved past the tears phase, I just kept laughing until I was making honking noises. (If you look closely at that picture, you'll see that my eyes are pink!)

I think I need a lozenge now.

Have a wonderful weekend. *hugs*
May. 24th, 2008 12:59 am (UTC)
A doll tragedy.
Please enjoy the gift to the world that is her sense of the funny.

Hoo boy. You just bought yourself an insanity defense with that sentence. Good luck. Maybe you can smuggle those tiny arms that you love so much into jail.

There'll be a lot of time for "photography" where you're going.

You had a chance to turn this all around, Mere. That slide show was the last cruel straw. I don't care how adorable you look in it. I'd make sure to lock that drawer tonight if I were you. Which, thankfully, I AM NOT.

May. 24th, 2008 01:16 am (UTC)
Re: A doll tragedy.
*mad cackle* Thanks for giving me a fic title, babe. *edits entry*

I'm going to wear the arms as earrings at my trial. You think they're not gonna charge you as an accomplice? Shyeah. We'll just see who look cuter in an orange jumpsuit. (Srsly? It won't be me. *shudders* Orange is not my friend.)

A confession: I left doll!Spike out tonight after taking him up on a photo opportunity that I couldn't resist, and Tiny Buckaroo mauled one of his little hands! I only left the little guy for a second. *sob* I swear, I'm going to get some help. Tomorrow.

ETA: Look at my red-rimmed eyes in those pictures and we'll talk about who's cruel! Admittedly, they were tears of laughter, but tears all the same. *sniff*

Edited at 2008-05-24 01:21 am (UTC)
May. 24th, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
Re: A doll tragedy.
I'm going to wear the arms as earrings at my trial.

Your lack of shame is impressive. Let's see if you're still laughing when the angry dolls take them back.

Cat mauling? Have you stooped so low as to blame your abuse on the family pet? *shakes head sadly*
May. 24th, 2008 01:54 am (UTC)
Re: A doll tragedy.
Have you stooped so low as to blame your abuse on the family pet?

Unreservedly and without shame.

May. 24th, 2008 02:10 am (UTC)
Do you live on a Hellmouth?

Honey, I think that your kitty is possessed. You might want to get that checked out.
May. 24th, 2008 02:24 am (UTC)
Re: Do you live on a Hellmouth?
Um, maybe not a Hellmouth per se. . .


*holds out wrists for cuffs*
May. 24th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
Re: Do you live on a Hellmouth?
There's a level of indecency here that I find deeply appalling.

Heh. You used per se.
May. 24th, 2008 02:40 am (UTC)
Re: Do you live on a Hellmouth?
Even now (haaa!) she's sprawled on her back in a most unseemly posture. Furry little slattern!

Yeah, thought you'd like that. ;)

P.S. You have a very nice bit of feedback below.
May. 24th, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
Now that is how weeks are supposed to end :)

I'm keeping this one to in favourites to read again, and again, and again, and... It'll be my protection against those kinda days :P

Cute cat, awwwwwwwwww :)
May. 24th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
It was just too fabulous not to share! This fic is going to be my anti-Monday for a long time.

My kitty may look possessed, but she's a big sweetheart. Don't let her glowing demon eyes fool you.

Happy Friday!
May. 24th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this. Mere's evilness does inspire. ;)
May. 24th, 2008 02:22 am (UTC)
OMG. You're *flaunting* your evilness, waving poor Angel's unregenerative limbs about like that!

Do you pull the legs off grasshoppers, too, woman?! ::aghast:: ;)

Very funny story about the horrors of indentured modeling. Heh.

May. 24th, 2008 02:35 am (UTC)
My cruelty only extends to action figures. Scout's honor! *lol* You should see the pics I didn't post! I was concentrating so hard on holding his arms upright and pushing the button that I was completely cross-eyed.

P. is a very funny lady. Remind me to disturb her more often. :D

May. 24th, 2008 02:35 pm (UTC)
I got here from a rec from Petzi, and, hee! Very, very hilarious stuff. I think I might've pulled something from laughing too hard at the As Angel started to sadly sing "Even Now" (as he did every evening) Spike made a vow line. The implied woefulness/frustration of the every evening part just KILLS ME, OH MAN.

Also giggled over the adjoining picture! OH NO, Angel's arms!
May. 25th, 2008 01:11 am (UTC)
Howdy. Thanks for stopping by!

YES! The "Even Now" bit completely undid me. And the carbs? *dies* philips has a very special gift, and I'm so glad that she uses it for evil. :D

BTW, if you haven't checked out her criminally hilarious fic "The Caseus Prize" and need more funny, it's over at her LJ:


*shakes head sadly* Poor Angel. The arms fell off the first time I took him out of the package, but everyone assumes that I did something bad to him during one of the photo shoots. (Well, something bad besides posing and photographing him in compromising positions.)
May. 24th, 2008 02:38 pm (UTC)
This is truly wonderful. Disturbing but wonderful.

And now I need drawer!p0rn.


May. 25th, 2008 01:17 am (UTC)
You know, I suppose I should be at least a little indignant at provoking this particular bit of character assassination, but I've been laughing too hard to care. ;)

*lol* Drawer!pOrn! It can be a whole new subgenre of humiliation fic. I'm soo passing that along to P.
May. 24th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
I enjoyed the story but you totally killed me with the photo! That look of proud and evil glee in your eyes...a tad disturbing. ROFLMAO.
May. 25th, 2008 01:23 am (UTC)
Ah, thank you. To be truthful, there were much more crazed-looking ones that I was simply too vain to post! (Memo to self: refrain from crossing eyes.) I may have to make an icon out of this one:

crazy eyes, little

Fear me! *snicker* Thanks for looking at this post and friending me anyway.

Edited at 2008-05-25 01:28 am (UTC)
May. 25th, 2008 01:42 am (UTC)
I like this picture a lot more. :D

Lovely! Angel's arm on the left looks like it's waving (waves back)

May. 25th, 2008 05:19 pm (UTC)
Good lord woman, don't encourage me! *facepalm* I must be stopped.
May. 25th, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
It is my sacred duty to encourage this kind of genius. (nods)
May. 24th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
You are my kind of woman! Sick sick sick.
That applies to BOTH of you.

If the two of you just got together in the same place at the same time, you could rule the world!
May. 25th, 2008 01:59 am (UTC)
Heh-heh. Thank you veddy much.

If the two of you just got together in the same place at the same time, you could rule the world!

Although I appreciate your vote of confidence, I have to wonder: would anybody want to live in it? *worried* What if we meet and trigger some sort of matter/anti-matter reaction that destroys the universe? :O

May. 25th, 2008 03:57 am (UTC)
It'll never happen.
BTW, did you receive the Adele installment this a.m.?

And my last bit of advice before I toddle off to bed: If you possibly can, get philips to take you out for your birthday. She KNOWS how to do it right. :)
May. 25th, 2008 04:12 am (UTC)
Aw, I'm so glad y'all had a good time!

And yes, I got it. Sadly, between houseguests and working on a *cough* birthday offering, I have yet to read it. Sunday morning Adele coffee date for me!

Sleep well.

ETA: Check my most recent post when you get a chance. :D

Edited at 2008-05-25 04:14 am (UTC)
May. 25th, 2008 06:51 am (UTC)
May. 25th, 2008 05:21 pm (UTC)
"Ha" to you! That icon of yours is killin' me. Priceless!

I may have to outrage P. again, if only to get her to write more fic. :D

Edited at 2008-05-25 05:22 pm (UTC)
May. 25th, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC)
Of Course Angel sings "Even Now" every night! Hee!

Spike can have his own drawer if he wants to move to Seattle. He'd only be disturbed by the little Han Solo and Luke Skywalker lego men...
May. 25th, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
I don't know who I feel worse for--Angel or Spike! I'm red with shame. :P

Ha! I'm sure he'd be all over the prospect of an escape from his servitude. *covers his ears and padlocks drawer*

I love those little Star Wars lego guys. I'm probably the last person on the planet to know these existed, but have you seen the Eddie Izzard bits re-enacted with lego people? A friend showed me this one on Friday and I almost spat o.j. all over the MacBook. Put your drink down, okay?

Edited at 2008-05-25 08:57 pm (UTC)
May. 9th, 2009 08:18 am (UTC)
OMG I love this Lego thing!!
Did you see that someone did the WHOLE Thriller video with Lego??
May. 26th, 2008 10:26 am (UTC)
And more of the awesome ness that is creativity
Thank you for brightening up my night.
May. 26th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
Re: And more of the awesome ness that is creativity
I suppose I should feel at least a little chagrined by my portrayal in the fic, but I'm too tickled by the whole thing to feel a proper amount of shame. Now I just want to goad P. into writing more!

Glad we could amuse, my dear.
Jan. 31st, 2009 11:22 pm (UTC)
indentured modeling

May. 9th, 2009 08:20 am (UTC)
I almost feel bad for Angel...
This whole thing is my penance. I deserve to have my strong arms taken away ROFL Is there no end to the love that man has for himself?? :P

That was brilliant.
( 40 dropped by — come on in )