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My goodness! It's Herself's birthday!

Today is the birthday of a person without whom I would not be sitting here composing yet another journal entry: the incomparable herself_nyc. Discovering her fic on archive sites and following the trail of breadcrumbs to LJ has changed my life in many wonderful ways, not the least of which has been getting to know her better and meeting so many other amazing people in the process. And so, as a token of appreciation for her awe-and-guh-inspiring talent as well as her tolerance and encouragement, I was planning on writing a few Spaiku based on one of her stories as a birthday gift. However, as I stood on my stepstool and rifled through the many binders on the Shelf o' Herself (which is in severe need of labeling and organization), I encountered an obstacle to my goal: every time I hauled down a binder and opened it to search for the fic in question, I found myself inexorably drawn into the stories contained therein. Two hours later, I roused from my fic-induced fugue state to find myself sitting on the floor of the closet in the rubble of said binders; I had partially read at least eight longish stories. (I'll leave it to y'all to guess which parts.) It was a very pleasant pasttime, to be sure, but not particularly productive of haiku. Forgive me, NK, but my lack of a suitable birthday present is, quite frankly, your own fault for being so damned gifted with the words. *sigh* Maybe next year, darlin'.

Having failed utterly at delivering the intended goods, I decided to go with what I know; I hauled out the camera and retrieved doll!Spike from the spice cupboard. (He'd been drinking rice wine vinegar in there for three days straight, and lemme tell you, the phrase "pickled vampire" isn't nearly as funny to me as it once was; the smell was unbelievable.) Upon hearing that his, um, services would be required for yet another photo shoot, the talent became belligerent and started agitating for unionization and his own storage drawer. (Ha! When vampires who aren't Dracula fly, my little plastic friend.) As if his contrariness weren't enough to contend with, once doll!Spike learned the purpose of this very special session, he came completely unglued. I looked on in horror as he scaled a lamp and held a stake to his wee breast:

It took a while to figure out what the hell he was so upset about, and I had quite a time wrestling talking him down. An excerpt of our conversation follows:

doll!Spike: (between sobs) I can't believe you'd ask me to . . . and after what she's done to me! I'd rather be dust if it's really all over.

Mere: What are you talking about? Nothing's "over." NK's crazy about you! She's written almost forty stories about you, you stupid vampire.

d!S: Are you completely blind, woman? That's the bloody problem!

M: Honey, you're going to have to start making sense now.

d!S: (hysterical) Don't you see? She hasn't written a syllable about me in nine days, Mere. Nine!  (weeping in abject misery) It's over. She's had her fun with me, and now she's going to chuck me out on my perfectly-formed arse!

M: Ohh, sweetpea. I think I see what's going on here. Look. (lifting his little plastic chin) Didn't anybody ever have The Talk with you?

d!S: (sniffles) What talk?

M: Well, sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much. . .wait. *frowns* Wrong talk.

d!S: (eyeroll) Oh for fuck's sake!

M: Sorry. Too soon for humor, huh? (a pause in which thoughts are gathered) Okay, here's how it is: sometimes grown-up writer ladies need to spend time with other characters, even if they love Spike very, very much. (exasperated) Aw geez. Would you please put that stake down and quit being such an enormous baby for half a second? (waits) Thank you. Think about it: even you and Buffy need, like, five minutes apart sometimes to get your blood sugar back up again and pee and stuff, right?

d!S:  (suspicious) Where are you goin' with this?

M: And you always feel better for it afterwards. Yes?

d!S: (slowly) Yeah. . .

M: Well, Herself just needs to take Herself a little break every now and then. Flex those lovely writing muscles. And she'll be all the stronger for it when she comes back to you.

d!S: (hopeful) Really?

M: (sotto voce) Play your cards right, little mister, and she might even make Buffy cry.

d!S: Huh. (a beat) Right then, where do you want me?

M: That's the stuff. (seizes him) Let's find that flask, Big Bad.

Whew! I'm happy to report that once doll!Spike entered into the proper spirit of the thing, we had a lovely time decorating and creating an appropriately festive mood. See?

I should probably warn you that a few of Spike's suggestions were somewhat off-color, but I was so relieved to see him in a better mood that I just went with it. (Honestly? I was afraid to say anything that might damage his ridiculously outsized ego fragile trust in me and, more importantly, in himself. Also, the vinegar hadn't worn off and he was still a little combative.) Please forgive his boldness.

*headdesk* Vampires. Why did I have to pick vampires as subjects? At this point, I'll just be glad if I can produce a birthday greeting that won't lead to a) litigation or b) a restraining order.

Oh, what the hell. Who am I kidding? *cackles* I love taking pictures of vampires!


And, because a girl can never really have too many crotch shots of Spike, click here for a few more.

Hope you've had a wonderful day and that your evening is even more fantabulous, dear. *hugs* I wish you all good things in the coming year. Rawk on!!



( 37 dropped by — come on in )
May. 24th, 2008 10:30 pm (UTC)
This is wonderful! Fully-deserved by NK, I must add. But lawdy lawdy!
May. 25th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you, gillo. *nods* It's "What She Deserves." Bwahaa!

Clearly, it's time for me to step away from the coffee pot.
May. 24th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC)
Bwah! A very Spike celebration for the lovely herself_nyc.
May. 25th, 2008 04:21 pm (UTC)
Hee! Poor Spike doll. It was for a good cause, though!
May. 25th, 2008 12:08 am (UTC)
Oh. My. God. I don't think herself has commented yet because she's laughing her ass off on her floor. That is too funny! What a great gift.
May. 25th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
*lol* Thank you! I probably had waaay too much fun assembling this post. I'm lucky that NK has such a good sense of humor. ;)
May. 25th, 2008 01:50 am (UTC)
Ohmygod... crotchapalooza!! This is absolutely brilliant!

May. 25th, 2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
Hallmark voiceover: "Vampire crotch shots. . .when you care enough to send the very best." ;)

*hugs* Have a lovely Sunday!
May. 25th, 2008 02:00 pm (UTC)
Philips tried to show me this on her iPhone in the restaurant last night, which was too damned small, so I'm just reading it now!
WOMAN, you have MADE my day! This is so perfect and funny and brilliant and makes me want to rush to where you are and give you an enormous hug!!!!

Thank you!!!!

Edited at 2008-05-25 02:00 pm (UTC)
May. 25th, 2008 03:37 pm (UTC)
*dances for snausages* Yay! I'm delighted that you like it and don't want to press charges. :D

Aw, you're so very welcome. I had a blast putting it together. And thank you for being wonderful you. *huge hug* Have a great day, sweetie.
May. 25th, 2008 03:25 pm (UTC)
Has there ever been anything better than this? NO!
OMG, the FLAG! How long did it take you to make that?! The detail that you put into this is amazing. The books!

M: Ohh, sweetpea. I think I see what's going on here. Look. (lifting his little plastic chin) Didn't anybody ever have The Talk with you?

This is my favorite part ever. Yours is a tough love but your Doll Spike is lucky to have you. We all are. *hugs*

Spike's candle is one of those that are impossible to blow out, right? He's no fool. ;) I think you'll never be able to top the pics of him and the wineglass. This might be the peak, sweetie! \O/
May. 25th, 2008 05:17 pm (UTC)
Re: Has there ever been anything better than this? NO!
*cackles* I had sooo much fun doing that! Once the guests cleared out yesterday at noon, I said, "I'm not here, okay?" and locked myself in the bedroom. (Tiny Buckaroo's enthusiasm for the flag and doll!Spike's tasty little hands made a closed set a necessity. At least her fangs are minty fresh from the floss.)

The beta-ing of this post consisted of me surprising B. with the candle picture and watching him do that bobbing drinking bird barometer move a couple of times before completely doubling over. I think you're right--the doll torture may have officially peaked. *sadly packs away props* At least, until I get more dolls. ;)

There was almost a photo shoot tragedy with the candle; I was about to light that sucker and then noticed the proximity of the banner. Oopsie! It would be so very me to set a lampshade ablaze.

Hope you have a lovely day, dear. *smooshes* Thank you for your continued support of my perversity.

Edited b/c of coffee. *teeth chatter* So much coffee, philips!

Edited at 2008-05-25 05:28 pm (UTC)
May. 26th, 2008 02:53 am (UTC)

I don't know whether to be happy or sad that d!S is perfectly characterized drunk!Spike. O.o
May. 26th, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)
I blame the vinegar, and I think he managed to put away a lot of the prop wine as well when my back was turned. Photo shoot math: wine + vinegar x fragile vampire ego=maudlin hysteria. Hmm. I'll bet it would also make a tasty vinaigrette.

If it's any consolation, he and Buffy are holed up in the cardboard castle right now, and his mood seems much improved. ;)
(no subject) - botias - May. 26th, 2008 05:33 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mere_ubu - May. 26th, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - botias - May. 26th, 2008 05:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mere_ubu - May. 26th, 2008 07:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - botias - May. 26th, 2008 07:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 26th, 2008 09:46 am (UTC)
Hee *gasp* hee *gasp* oh my
Totally random, dude! A well-deserved tribute to an amazing author, and a thing in itself approaching perfection. The WIIINE. The TOWER!!!! Oh my. All he needs is to be dressed up like Frankenfurter. Oh my giddy aunt.
May. 26th, 2008 05:54 pm (UTC)
Re: Hee *gasp* hee *gasp* oh my
See? Insomnia-induced mania has its uses. :D

OMG. FrankenSpike! No, wait. . .we could have armless FrankenAngel, and Spike could be Rocky.

I'm pretty sure that merely thinking these thoughts has cemented my place in the special hell for doll torturers.
Re: Hee *gasp* hee *gasp* oh my - selinde2 - May. 26th, 2008 11:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hee *gasp* hee *gasp* oh my - mere_ubu - May. 27th, 2008 03:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 26th, 2008 07:08 pm (UTC)
Here via herself's rec, and hee! Spike's candle! Very cute.
May. 27th, 2008 02:38 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you. I'm just relieved that the birthday girl liked it and that I didn't set anything on fire. ;)
May. 26th, 2008 09:39 pm (UTC)
Haha! That's priceless! :)
May. 27th, 2008 02:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm delighted that no one has been scandalized by doll!Spike's hijinks. (Yet.) ;)
May. 26th, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
Well now, that was just spectacular!
May. 27th, 2008 02:43 pm (UTC)
Heh-heh. Coffee was totally driving the bus there; I went out to Cracker Barrel with my houseguests Saturday morning, and I think I must have had about six cups. I'm amazed that the pics aren't blurrier.

Enjoy your rainy day off, lady. It's a good day to read.
May. 27th, 2008 02:02 am (UTC)

That was a total spill food on keyboard display of BRILLIANCE. Thank you.
May. 27th, 2008 02:47 pm (UTC)
*hands you a towel* Oopsie! Sorry bout the keyboard. Glad I could amuse, though. :D
May. 27th, 2008 02:07 am (UTC)


That NK is a lucky, lucky, lucky woman.
May. 27th, 2008 02:49 pm (UTC)
*revives you* Come back to me, D!

NK's a source of inspiration; mix that with a pot of coffee and things start getting weird. ;)
May. 27th, 2008 02:54 am (UTC)
OMG your picspam is made of so much win! doll!Spike is hilarious, if a bit unruly. :)
May. 27th, 2008 03:28 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you! Poor little guy. I think he drank a lot of the prop wine. Buffy's been consoling him in the cardboard castle, and NK posted an update to her WIP, so he's finally cheered up a bit. ;)
May. 28th, 2008 09:02 am (UTC)
That was brilliantly hilarious and made a delightful birthday gift!
Friending you.:)
May. 29th, 2008 04:31 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm happy to amuse.

(Friending you. So there! :D)
( 37 dropped by — come on in )